Some of you may have already completed your holiday shopping, but most of us are normal. If you are like me, over the next couple weeks you’ll have the following thought: “Oh, I should probably get that person a present.”
Maybe it will be for a friend, a neighbor, or a business associate. If you don’t get them a present, it could be awkward. Better to err on the generous side. Now what you get them is obviously up to you, but here is what you should not give anyone this holiday season.
Don’t give them food. You are giving someone a gift, not arriving at a potluck. I understand cookies, candy and fruit may seem like a thoughtful, delicious idea, but nobody wants anything perishable.
Instead of food, a great gift would be alcohol. Booze never goes bad, and based on the world we live in today, everyone needs it. It’s not even noon, and just thinking about some of the conversations I’ll be having this December makes me want a drink.
Another thing nobody wants is clothing. Unless you are a personal shopper, you are not qualified to buy clothing for someone else. I don’t care if there is a gift receipt. That’s just like giving someone an errand.
Instead of clothing, a great gift would be … alcohol! Now you may think, “But Jim, what if they don’t want alcohol?” That’s fine. Then they’ll regift it. No gift receipt necessary!
Here’s another no: Don’t give gift cards. They’re unimaginative and lazy. The gift card is just going to be lost. In five years when the gift card is finally found, it will be expired and just provide stress and guilt. Instead, a great gift would be … alcohol! The alcohol can be used to numb the pain from misplacing all those gift cards.
You may think, “But Jim, alcohol is never the answer.” Well, sometimes alcohol gets pretty close!
Finally, don’t give someone socks this holiday season. Yes, socks are practical but wildly impersonal. You may think, “But Jim, socks will keep them warm during the winter.” If you really want to keep someone warm this winter, a great gift would be …
You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn’t you?
Well, I am! Because alcohol could warm your heart during a winter which we all know is going to be filled with a lot of awkwardness.
You may also think, “But Jim, alcohol is poison!” Yes, it is, and like most parents of teenagers I’m going to need some of that poison.
If you are thinking of getting me a present this holiday season and wondering what I might want … to be honest, I would appreciate any gift. Any gift.
As long as it’s alcohol.
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Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Chad Cardin.
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