The digital age was built on connection. We started by rekindling old connections, like how the now-defunct Friends Reunited blossomed as one of the first UK social media platforms, allowing users to connect with those they’d lost touch with.
But platforms like Friends Reunited aren’t needed in 2024 because cutting ties and losing connection is harder than ever. (The site did shut down in 2016). Our Facebook accounts are littered with hundreds of past friends from various touchstones. Our Instagram profiles have become a digital diary, logging every “notable” moment. Our following and followers alike boast friends, colleagues, and people we had one chat with at a house party six years ago, now fated to see what we eat for lunch for the rest of eternity.
If a romantic or platonic relationship broke down even thirty years ago, you wouldn’t be tethered by “following” them, or their friends and family. You wouldn’t be at risk of seeing their face pop up on your TikTok FYP or their professional achievements on LinkedIn. You’d be at risk of running into them in a bar you frequent, at stores you both liked. Life updates would come via gossip, or when bumping into them, as many ’90s sitcoms would make you believe happened daily. (Think of Carrie Bradshaw escaping New York only to bump into Big and his new wife, Natasha, with no idea he was even on the continent.) Such experiences feel impossible now, relics of another lifetime.
Is it possible to cut all ties when you break up today? Relationship experts believe that we can control our levels of connection to a certain degree, but whether we should stay tethered is still up for debate.
Spotting your ex on a dating app
A mental checklist can form when a relationship ends: unfollow (if breakup is unamicable), delete photos, decide custody of streaming services, and check that DoorDash is set to your address. When you’re ready, sign up for dating apps, as many people rely on them now. A few swipes in and there they are: your ex, also playing the field. Seeing your ex on dating apps can be difficult, and there are many ways to deal with it and attempt to avoid it.
Some dating apps have built-in ways to avoid those you may not wish to see. Hinge has a Block Contacts feature, allowing users to block people by giving the app access to their contact list, or manually inputting a contact. “Traditional” blocking is also available, preventing the user from seeing or being seen by anyone they wish to avoid.
Tinder similarly has a Block Contacts feature, too. Whilst Bumble does not, you can contact the support team to block those who have not currently matched. Both apps also offer blocking for accounts viewed or matched with. “Incognito” modes, allowing swiping without being seen by others, also exist within Tinder and Bumble.
Dr Jess Carbino, a former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble, hosted many focus groups with app users, finding that for some individuals “seeing their ex on the apps was often very painful” and for others, “seeing an ex on an app would be a source of anger if they believed that their ex did not portray themselves in a manner they thought was consistent with their reality of their ex.”
Relationship experts who work at dating apps have yet to reach a consensus on tackling this issue, with each situation requiring a tailored response.
Mashable After Dark
“Often, the best thing one can do to move on is to cut off all ties (at least in the beginning), but just because you may still come across their photos or dating profiles, it doesn’t mean you need to engage with it,” Dr Betsy Chung, relationship expert at RAW dating app, says.
Though seeing your ex “might help some people ease into the idea of seeing their ex as just another person in their network,” says Katie Dissanayake, co-founder and CEO of dating app After, she recognises that “it can reopen wounds and make moving on much harder.”
According to Shan Boodram, Bumble’s sex and relationships expert, a recent Bumble survey found that 49 percent of Gen Z and millennial respondents would not stay in contact with their ex after a breakup, and nearly 40 percent get rid of all love letters, gifts, clothes, and photos immediately to help them move on. This includes removing any digital footprints of an ex if they see fit, and blocking or muting if needed.
“The best choice is the one that aligns with your boundaries and emotional needs,” Boodram believes.
People from our lives can pop up in unexpected manners, exes or otherwise, whether we fall into the aforementioned 49 percent or not.
Exes reaching out on social media
Multiple daters Mashable spoke to noted their digital footprint is tied to their business and professional life, making it difficult to cut communication channels. One source discussed blocking their website from access in the country in which their ex resided, recognising that a VPN could still render that effort moot. The digital era has provided new platforms and methods for harassment, with extensive advice available online to help those dealing with cyber-stalking from exes and otherwise.
Vanessa, 41, based in Illinois, has had “exes and ex-friends reach out to me on my Facebook business page after blocking them on all my personal pages.” But even one-time flings have reached out, too: “A guy I made out with once dropped into my Facebook DMs after 9 years of not talking to him asking to buy me a coffee so we could ‘bury the hatchet.'”
Sebastian, 27, based in Mexico City, is experiencing monitoring from an ex via Instagram stories. “This ex always sees my Instagram stories, she doesn’t follow me anymore and I don’t follow her. Unfortunately, my 16-year-old dog passed away last October and I uploaded a post and a story, she casually ‘answered it’ like, ‘Oh, I don’t know why this appeared on my timeline but I’m so sorry for your loss.’ Of course, I take kindly the words but it is weird cause I know for a fact she always sees my stories cause I see her profile on my views,” he says.
A pet was also a way for an anonymous source’s ex to keep contact. The woman, who chose to be anonymous for privacy reasons, managed an Instagram account for her ex-girlfriend’s pet when in a relationship. Years later, however, the ex began to attempt reconnection via DMs to said account, creating a source of distress.
“Thankfully, since then she hasn’t contacted me again, but I don’t doubt she’s watching me and will at some point attempt contact again, although hopefully she’s finally realized that trail is cold,” she says. “The sad part is I miss the pet, and wish we could be friends so I could see them, but I’ve accepted that for my own mental health, that will never happen.”
The positive side of social media post-breakup
It’s not all bad, as online communities can help process breakups. Reddit’s r/BreakUps has over 360,000 members as of publication, and whilst momentum has slowed (as of writing, the “hot” post of the day only has around 300 upvotes), there is still a community of support guiding, advising, and discussing breakups with others and taking back control.
“Ultimately, while the permanence of a digital footprint complicates breakups, it also challenges us to approach endings with empathy and self-awareness. A breakup in the digital age is less about erasing a person from your life and more about redefining their presence in it,” says Leah Levi, sex and dating expert at the dating app Flure.
We may be too early in the digital age to conclusively if we can ever cut all ties in breakups, but we do have a modicum of control over our navigation and attitude, with recognition of the tools available to us, digital or not. It’s down to us to cut the ties we can, messy or not, but none of it will remain foolproof. With the dating scene constantly changing and growing, what comes next is anyone’s guess.