It’s Friday morning and you’re settling into your new therapist’s office. It’s been two weeks since the end of your 10-year relationship, but when she asks how you’re doing, you tell her you’re “fine.” Of course you are — you ordered three books on grief, scheduled this appointment, and contacted a designer to get the feng shui in your home flowing in the right direction. You’re dealing with this breakup perfectly and hope she notices.
If this scenario resonates, “doing” may be your primary coping skill. When times get tough, you hit that to-do list hard and get things done. While this can be helpful and offer a sense of control, it can also lead to burnout and difficulty relaxing. Understanding what drives this tendency and learning other ways to take care of yourself can help you get the most from your “to-do” desires . . . and improve your overall health and well-being.
Why Do We “Do” to Help Us Cope?
The short answer: Doing makes us feel better. Constant motion can lead to feelings of control and efficiency, and possibly even less emotion. While this may be a learned response, it’s also rooted in biology. Two of the primary survival strategies are “fight” and “flight,” activated states that help us defend ourselves in a crisis. While they were initially intended for survival in the wild, they’re also what’s fueling your multi-step plan after a loved one dies or your move to a new city when life throws you a curveball.
What Are the Downfalls of This Coping Mechanism?
“Doing” is absolutely a good thing. It’s only when it’s overused that it can become problematic. Because your body is naturally programmed to find balance — a process called homeostasis — constantly “doing” throws it out of whack. This can then lead to cravings for things that slow you down quickly, like alcohol, unhealthy food, or excessive social media use. Unfortunately, these don’t offer much of the necessary restoration; rather, they help you zone out. Alternating between these two extreme states for too long can lead to burnout and unprocessed emotions that can pop up at inopportune times.
What Are Some Other Ways to Take Care of Yourself If Doing Is Your Coping Strategy?
Admittedly, settling your system can be difficult. Coming out of a constant state of fight or flight tells your brain that you’re no longer protected from any possible danger, making downtime feel uncomfortable. The key is to be gentle with yourself, finding ways to slow down and process emotions in ways that feel less threatening.
Give your brain space to process: When you’re constantly doing, there’s little time for your brain to work with your emotions. While meditation is often too intense for doers, activities that let your brain “float” can be more approachable. Choose a task that requires some thinking, but not too much — think cleaning a closet or painting your nails. Do at least part of this activity without other distractions like podcasts, television, or music. Observe what thoughts and feelings come up and jot down things you want to revisit, resisting the urge to solve problems. Being with your thoughts can be challenging, so remember that you can always return to the task and redirect yourself if needed.
Work directly with your emotions: Sometimes anger, sadness, and frustration arise clearly, but other times you may notice symptoms like irritability, fatigue, or muscle aches. Set aside time to get curious about these experiences and actively move through them. For example, you might try a writing exercise that starts with a question like, “What do I feel frustrated about?” Or set an intention for your next boxing class to tap into your emotions through movement. Even small amounts of this type of conscious and concerted processing can release emotions that may be stuck and leave you feeling more clear-headed.
Learn to say “no”: Finding more balance is dependent on leaving space between tasks — something many doers have trouble with. Implementing a gentle yet clear strategy for saying no can reduce overwhelm and guilt. Set a goal of reducing your tasks by 10 percent and start with the easiest options first. For example, it may be easier to say no to making cookies for a school bake sale than it is to picking your mother up from a medical appointment. Write down phrases to communicate effectively, like, “I’m sorry I won’t be able to do that this week, but I appreciate you asking.” Every little bit helps and will reduce your overwhelm throughout the week.
Like any coping strategy, being a doer can have its downsides if it’s overused. But the more you learn to care for yourself along with all that “doing,” the more you’ll see that it can also be your superpower. Try a couple of these techniques, and hopefully, you’ll feel more balanced before you know it.
Lynn Saladino (she/her), PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist. Her private practice, Dr. Lynn Psychology, PLLC, has brought a holistic and practical approach to mental wellness for the New York City and Boston communities for almost 15 years. As the psychology editor of Health magazine and the author of its mental health column, Let’s Talk It Out, she offered an approachable perspective to mental health concerns. Dr. Saladino is on a mission to make mental health straightforward and fun whenever possible. Lynn is a PS Council member.