Warning: This article has spoilers from the Season 3 finale of “The Ultimatum.”
The Season 3 finale of Netflix’s “The Ultimatum” ended with two unexpected breakups and two proposals.
In a season that included four early departures and a heated late-night confrontation between two contestants, the finale, out Dec. 18, featured one more chaotic moment that caught a cast member off guard.
On “Ultimatum Day,” the final day of the experiment when couples must decide if they want to break up, get engaged or leave with someone new, fans watched contestants Nick Tramontin and Sandy Gallagher unpack their tumultuous time on the show.
During the experiment, Nick, who had issued the ultimatum to Sandy, spiraled while she developed a close bond with fellow contestant Jon Richard “J.R.” Warren. Nick processed his emotions alone as his trial marriage partner, Vanessa Hattaway, was one of four cast members who quit the experiment in Episode 4.
Sandy tells TODAY.com that Nick tackling the process solo was “detrimental” to their relationship, which never recovered when the two reunited for their trial marriage.
“It damaged the whole experience and relationship with Nick and I,” she shares.
Looking back at her time on the Netflix series, she says, “Maybe Nick and I should have left. We should have walked away because it was really challenging and things unfolded in a way that they never had before.”
Despite the two repeatedly expressing their love for each other, she told him on “Ultimatum Day” that they still had unresolved issues. She opted to leave alone after he appeared to reach for a ring, ready for a proposal.
But Sandy reveals to TODAY.com that that isn’t what really happened. Below, Sandy shares how their breakup unfolded, in her eyes. She also discusses fans’ reactions to her “surface-level” relationship with J.R., if she has spoken to him or Nick since the show ended, unaired conversations and her biggest regrets.
TODAY.com: How did Nick first approach you with the idea of going on the show?
Somebody actually reached out to me about it, and I had originally said, “No.” I was like, “Nope, that sounds too intense. I don’t think that we’re at the place in our relationship where we’re ready to get engaged by any means.” Nick, he perked up. He was like, “No, I would actually really like to do that with you.” We went through the process, very nonchalant, and we got it. I’m a very firm believer in that everything happens for a reason.
When you arrived and met the other couples, did you question if going on the show was the right decision?
Yes. I think everybody wanted to leave at some point. It’s a really difficult process, specifically when you move in with your trial partner. I know it looks all like rainbows and butterflies with me and J.R, but it was really challenging. First, moving in with somebody new, and being away from your partner, and then having their emotions and reactions mixed with it. It’s really difficult. There were multiple points throughout that I considered leaving, too. But I think when we agreed to it, we committed. That’s kind of the mentality that I had going into it and I think maybe a little too much, honestly. Because there were a lot of things where maybe Nick and I should have left. We should have walked away because it was really challenging and things unfolded in a way that they never had before. We didn’t know what to do with it. Production didn’t know what to do with it. Nobody knew what to do. That’s kind of what we’re seeing unfold. It was very messy.
Let’s talk about those trial marriages. Viewers saw two couples leave during that time. How did you learn that those couples exited the experiment? How did you feel knowing Vanessa was no longer with Nick and he would have to continue the trial marriage by himself?
That was really upsetting and difficult. Because we’re like, “How is this going to work if Nick is by himself and I’m in this trial marriage with J.R.?” That’s literally a recipe for disaster on so many different levels. Nick and Mariah had the option to also match up, which, to be honest, they probably should have. Because it was very detrimental that Nick was fully by himself during it. We’re not supposed to be communicating, we’re not supposed to be talking and it just completely spiraled. I was not happy. I wanted Nick to have that experience. I actually wanted to see how it would make me feel to have him in a trial marriage with somebody. (He) and Vanessa really had a legit connection. I don’t know what would have happened if she had stayed. The experiment didn’t go the way it was supposed to go.
After you learned Vanessa left the experiment, were you more open to communicating with Nick or had the two of you already been checking in with each other?
I was communicating with Nick. I did see him a couple times and talked to him for hours and hours and hours about everything. Made sure that I was reassuring him. We’ve had a lot of conversations around the whole process. Unfortunately when you get there, immediately you get broken up and you’re in a trial marriage. You have to go through that whole thing before you can then go back with your original partner. So I was trying to let him know, “We’re really here for the second half of this.” But I think what unfolded during the trial marriage — it damaged the whole experience and relationship with Nick and I. We were communicating, but then the communication got very much out of hand on his end. I had to lay boundaries for myself and he was not respecting those boundaries.
One of those moments when he infringed upon those boundaries was when he went to see you at your apartment with J.R. Had you ever seen him act that way before in your relationship?
I’ve seen him act that way several times in our relationship. It’s a pattern that he has. I know the state that he was in — emotional, mental, physical — and I’ve learned to disengage when he’s in that state. So that’s what we’re seeing when I don’t go out and talk to him. Why would I talk to him? He’s intoxicated. He’s very emotional. This is also after — which we don’t see because this was not caught on camera — he had called me over 100 times that night and then showed up at the apartment. So it’s like, he’s not respecting my boundaries in the slightest. He’s actually making it almost impossible for me to disengage from that behavior. I knew what was going on because I’ve seen it before many, many times.
Nick is at the door. J.R. immediately goes to the door. He’s like, ‘Don’t answer it. I’m answering the door.’ They’re getting in a fight over me and I’ve never been in that position before. So that was different, but I’ve seen Nick in that state of mind many times.
When all the couples reunited for “The Changeover,” Nick mentioned apologizing to J.R. at guys’ night but he also suggested that your communication with him fueled the state he was in. How did you feel hearing him present it in that way?
It’s something that I’ve had to learn the hard way — setting boundaries and sticking to my boundaries. I had these boundaries around (his) level of communication and how it’s unhealthy and inappropriate in a lot of moments. Again, we don’t see that. I do not blame viewers for not understanding because we don’t see it. It’s on my phone. It’s also really difficult for me to deny somebody that I genuinely love and care for so much support when they need it. I would be there for him in a lot of ways and I think that’s maybe what he’s talking about to J.R. at the guys’ night. I (was) expressing to him (that) I love him and I miss him and I want him to be OK. I’m trying to get him through this so we can get to the other side and do our portion together. I don’t really know how to handle the emotions and the behavior sometimes. I don’t know what’s best. I’ve had to learn that through this. Through my relationship with Nick — before, during and after the show — genuinely, I’ve learned a lot about setting boundaries and really sticking to it.
You mentioned viewers being left in the dark in some instances. Fans have also expressed that they didn’t see the connection between you and J.R. in the episodes. How did you feel about J.R. during the show and what do you think viewers are missing?
Viewers are missing just about everything in terms of me and J.R.’s emotional (and) mental connection. We don’t see it at all. I don’t blame anybody for thinking that me and J.R. (had) a purely surface-level physical connection. Our flirtiness completely outpowers the other stuff that we talked about because it’s just not shown. I get it. It’s OK. It is a TV show and there’s only so much (they) could show. But me and J.R., we had a lot in common. The first conversation that we had, I was like, “What the hell?’”We both have roots in Philadelphia. We both went to the same college, which was a pretty random college. We had the same major in college, which was a very random major. We had a lot of the same beliefs in terms of spirituality, goals and ambitions. I’ve probably talked to J.R. more than I’ve talked to most people about every topic you can think about.
When you met the other ladies for girls’ night, you spoke to Zaina Sesay and explained that your relationship with J.R. was more of a friendship. When he spoke to you about that conversation, you said you were being courteous. How did you view him at that moment? Did you consider leaving with him?
I wouldn’t say it was just a friendship and I didn’t say that it was a friendship. I was trying to explain to her that, “This is not a real life relationship because this is not a real-life situation. This is an experiment that we’re in.” Yes, we had a real attraction and connection. I’m not dismissing that. I was just trying to give her reassurance that she quite literally did not ask for, and it was honestly out of line for me to even say anything. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But I was trying to let her know, like, “We’re not walking out of here together.” I was trying to give her reassurance in a way that I just didn’t need to. I shouldn’t have.
Me and Zaina actually had a full conversation about that on camera, which we don’t get to see. We do talk through all of it and we clear the air. She knows where I was coming from, but that wasn’t my place to even say that to her. Same thing with the “hooking up” comment because we all have different definitions of hooking up, including me and Zaina. Me and J.R. had only kissed a couple times and what I consider hooking up is more than kissing. I was out of line for even saying anything in that space. As a girl, that crushes me because I was not trying to play her. I was trying to be brutally honest, and it came off the wrong way.
Let’s talk about the finale. On ‘Ultimatum Day,’ you seemed a little surprised when Nick reached for an engagement ring. Did you not expect a proposal that day?
Leading up to that, I think we both came to an agreement that it would not be responsible or smart for us to get engaged at that point. There’s a lot more things that we (needed) to work on and things that came up through this process that we’re probably not the right life partners for each other. He had told me that he wasn’t going to propose. So when I saw him reaching in his pocket, I was surprised. That’s why I was like, “What are you doing?” Because I didn’t think that he was. He wasn’t reaching for a ring. He was reaching for something else.
How do you think you both handled that moment?
It was really hard. It’s really sad, honestly I’ve had such a special relationship with Nick. I’ve had such a special connection and bond with him, and we are so deeply connected. I know it doesn’t look like it, but I love him so much, like, I really, really do. Anybody that knows me, knows our relationship, knows that love was never a problem with us. The love and connection was so deep and strong. It’s the life that that kind of got in the way. I think the “Ultimatum Day” was the end, and we both knew it. It’s really difficult to separate from somebody that you still really love and care about. You have that connection with them but you know that they’re not the right life partner for you. I think this whole process expedites the answer. It did bring a lot of things to light, but I think those things would have come to light down the line anyways. What we can uncover in two months is better than taking two years for it to uncover outside of the experience. We got the answers. It just wasn’t the answer that we were hoping for and it was a really weird, hard way to get there.
What was your relationship like with Nick when filming ended?
It was a real breakup. Just like any other marriage or relationship, there’s a separation process. It’s difficult to really emotionally separate from somebody that you are so emotionally tied to. So it was a little bit of a process, but I was feeling this overwhelming gut feeling we (needed) to separate and this (wasn’t) the right relationship for me. It wasn’t healthy anymore. We still supported each other and were there for each other in a lot of ways. I’ll always love him and care for him as a person. That’s way far bigger and beyond this show and this experience. But it doesn’t mean that we have to date and get married.
Did you have any communication with J.R. after the show?
No, actually, J.R. and I did not communicate at all after filming the show. I think it was kind of a mutual understanding, and we actually had talked about it during our trial marriage. That’s why I was so confidently telling Zaina, “This is not a real relationship. You don’t have to worry about that.” I wanted to leave it in the experience. I gave it my all. It’s this unnatural experience that would literally never happen in the normal world. So for me, in my mind and my heart, that was never an option. I was not going to take that with me, Also, out of respect for Nick and Zaina, we never went there.
You mentioned earlier that you understood why some people withdrew from the experiment. Do you have any regrets about the show?
I have a lot of regrets and lessons (learned) throughout the whole process. I felt this way the last year and now I can actually see it. There’s a lot of things that I would have done differently. I think I made a lot of mistakes along the way. I’m so aware of that. I’m not denying that at all. I think, for one, just my overall kind of the lack of respect that I’m sensing from myself towards Nick, and the resentment that I was carrying from our relationship into the show. That’s pretty apparent to me. Regardless of whatever happened in my relationship, I just don’t want to be showing up for my partner, myself in that way. It’s not who I am to my core. I do think that leaning into the process with J.R. as quick as we did was honestly inappropriate. I don’t think that that was ‘wrong.’ But for me, my heart and my standards, I don’t think that was respectful towards Nick or Zaina. Looking back now, that’s something that I would have done differently.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.